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[Skeptic Psion]

Lol, ChuckNorrisFacts.com

# When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.
 
# When there's a fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When there's a Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die.
 
# We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.
 
# Chuck Norris bites the hand that feeds him�and eats their entrails.
 
# An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A Chuck Norris a day kills.
 
# Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
 
# When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
 
# Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
 
# Chuck Norris uses red hot lava to moisturize his skin.
 
# Chuck Norris invented the apple.
 
# Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
 
# Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
 
# Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
 
# Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
 
# Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
 
# If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
 
# Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
 
# Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
 
# Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone.  Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone.  What's that?  You say there's no such thing as half a stone?  The four dead birds didn't think so either.
 
# Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
 
# P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
 
# Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
 
# Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
 
# Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
 
# Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
 
# Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
 
# Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
 
# Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
 
# Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
 
# Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
 
# Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
 
# Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
 
# As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
 
# Chuck Norris does not dance.  He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
 
# Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
 
# Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
 
# The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
 
# Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
 
# Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
 
# The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
 
# Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
 
# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
 
# Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
 
# On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
 
# See spot. See spot run.  See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
 
# Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
 
# Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
 
# Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
 
# If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
 
# Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
 
# You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
 
# Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
 
# Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
 
# Chuck norris invented the corndog.
 
# The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain.  Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now.  Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
 
# Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
 
# Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
 
# Chuck Norris belives the hype.
 
# Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
 
# When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
 
# When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
 
# Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
 
# Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
 
# Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
 
# Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
 
# When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
 
# Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
 
# Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
 
# Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
 
# Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
 
# Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself.  The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
 
# Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
 
# Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
 
# Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn

[The Adfeng]

Chuck Norris can have just one Lay's potato chip.  In his entire life.

We check our closets for the boogyman.  The Boogyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[glopso]

Leading hand sanitizer brands can kill 99.9% of harmful germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS!

[Oreus]

Most people pray to God. God prays to Chuck Norris.

Kids are scared of monsters under their beds. Monsters are scared of Chuck Norris under their beds.

People tell their kids, "if you're bad, Satan will get you!" Satan tells his kids, "if you're bad, Chuck Norris will get you!"

Chuck Norris can create a rock so big even Chuck Norris can't lift it. Then he'll throw it at your head for being so cocky.

[saile]

Chuck Norris never loses. He just wins in reverse.

[cmonroe]

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is another fist.

God said let there be light. And Chuck Norris said, "O.K.".

Apple pays 99 cents everytime he listens to a song.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ****, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When you open a can of whoop-****, Chuck Norris jumps out.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down

Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.

Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it.

Earth used to be the planet closest to the sun until Chuck Norris decided it was too hot for him. Now we are known as the third rock from the sun.

Lance Armstrong has won 7 tour de frances solely because Chuck let him.

Chuck Norris shaves his beard with his own nails, because only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris only let's Jackie Chan live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.

There was no such thing as the black plague, Chuck Norris just hates Europeans.

The dinosaurs weren't wiped out because of an asteroid, Chuck Norris just hates reptiles.

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter. He is already following you.

Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver.

Chuck Norris can create fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris only lets Jackie Chan live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.

A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris puts "laughter" in manslaughter.

Contrary to what you might think, Luke had nothing to do with destroying the death star. That's right it only took one roundhouse to the exhaust port by Chuck Norris to destroy the space station.

Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't feel under the weather, the weather feels under Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris plays video games without a tv because it would be too easy.

When Bruce Banner is angry, he becomse The Hulk. When The Hulk is angry, he becomes Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can watch 60 minutes in half an hour.

Chuck Norris can punch cyclops between the eyes.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris doesn't breath. He holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris won "Jumanji" without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living crap out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. When he came back, they were just called "The Islands".

Chuck Norris can touch M.C. Hammer.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vaders father.

Chuck Norris is the only man to beat a brick wall at a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris once brought down a German Fighter Plane, by pointing his finger at it and yelling "BANG!!"

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

When Chuck Norris goes to give blood he declines the syringe and tells them to get a bucket and a handgun.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a watch, he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't get bad dreams about monsters, monsters get bad dreams about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

[daweefolk]

god summoned Mr. t, arnold schwartzenegger, and chuck norris to heaven. he told the three of them "you are the three strongest men on earth. I want one of you to sit at my right hand. however you must first prove yourself worthy or I will send you straight to hell. arnold, you go first". Arnold told God "I am the governor of california and the terminator. I am the best choice". God shook his head, said "I am sorry but its not good enough" and the terminator was sent to hell. Mr. t said in his toughest voice "I pity the fool who dont let me sit at his right hand!". God, disappointed, sent Mr. t to hell as well. He told Chuck "you are my last chance. you MUST prove yourself.". The last thing God remembers is a roundhouse kick in the head and hearing "you're in my seat".

[The Adfeng]

Necropost.  Locked.