Ready or Not.

To put some perspective to today's events, I shall divulge some of my past. This is partially a tale of mistakes, but it is mostly very long.

-Much of this sounds like nonsense, but it is what I sense, so take it for that. I only truly believe on the off occasion, but everyday, I act as if it were, so on the off chance that it is, I'm actually working on it.

I have always felt some kind of split in me, the propensity for great darkness counterbalanced by and equal need for light. (I realize that there are hundreds of thousands of different expressions for these two terms, with different meanings and interpretations, I am not saying anything is inherently anything, so please spare me of what light and dark energies mean to you.) I am not talking about a singular good light and an evil darkness, they are so much more complex than that, and they defy their own terms several times. But to digress, the core of what I am, whether you term it soul, spirit, identity, is the push and pull of light and dark. I have striven to balance these two so that I may grow from that struggle, but I'm afraid I've only worn myself down.

In my struggles I have found much out about concerning what I am and what I once was, and in these early stages I found kinship with some of the worst beings you can imagine. Two instances stand out in my mind, concerning my growth as a psion. The first was in the summer of 07, and I was staying in Germany for a month. During that time, I went to a Nazi concentration camp, called Dakow. There I sensed something wrong, and soon found a horrible thing. At that time I characterized it as a demon, but it was not.

You see, there are these things out there, great black blobs of energy, which are solely out there to consume. They swallow everything they come into contact with. They infect everything with this darkness, which converts the essence of everything into themselves. The poor souls caught by them are confused and disoriented, fighting and struggling against each other, all the while the blackness drains them of their everything, keeping them just barely "alive" just to suck out all they can from them. In the end all that is left is dark slag. This detritus stagnates inside of them until they are destroyed.

At any rate I found one of these there. It was weak, created by feeding off of the wrath and suffering of both parties in the war, growing and spreading, enhancing these feelings to feed itself all the more, but now it was starving, with only the daily sadness it helps create inside those who visit this site sating it's appetite. I was told by my light half to remove the taint, and my dark half was hungry. I found that simply absorbing all that it was was a much simpler process than fighting it. Inside myself I dismantled it piece by piece, making itself myself part by part. I explored it's power, and found that with a few alterations, I could absorb the darker emotions of people without enhancing them, instead stifling them. (I realize that I could have done it before, but this showed me such an interesting way to do it.) I put a seal on the area to keep another one from forming in it's wake to be safe, and left.

The second experience occurred early fall 08'. I met someone with an "infectious" personality. She basically attached to everyone around her to drain them for herself. She was not aware of this, and was creating undo harm to those around her. The roots and the branches of those roots were beautiful to me. I saw the possibility of altering them to make them so much more powerful. This was also one of those times when I would exile myself from psiworld because I felt... very not nice. So I used my modified version of her infection, and tore into her spiritual body, copying and learning everything about it and her, in an attempt to understand myself. As with anyone I harm, I repaired the damage completely, and I also repaired what was wrong with her to cause the infection in the first place.

My newfound ability was to spread links like a virus, attaching to someone, and spreading through the links they have with others, no matter how small. Add to that my constant travel, and I had a strong network of links throughout a large percentage of people. (if you want an idea of how it spread, play pandemic 2) Of course I put up the necessary precaution when it comes to dealing with psions and the like, as well as limits and buffers on it so it wouldn't harm anyone it was attached to. Around this time, I learned that I could break anything (energy wise) down to a very base compound and absorb it into myself. I slowly became to resemble the virus itself, absorbing anything thrown at me, and infecting those who sent it to me.

So, there I was with a system of links a world strong, and the ability to help anyone I was linked to by absorbing darker emotions and converting them to energy..... you see where I'm going with this.

At any rate, I've had this going on for months now, with the dark slag building up inside me, leftovers from the darkest emotions, things to soiled to be turned into "pure" energy.

Now for what happened today. I started dry heaving this morning, only to throw up not any physical thing, but the crap which I'd been storing. It went on for a good 2 minutes before I realized what was happening. I had reached my threshold and had to get it out. Afterward, I was something I haven't been for years, mostly light. Yes, the balance had been tipped against dark, and I was almost pure. That lasted till midday, when I started to draw the black back into me to regain balance.

I took what I had forced out of myself and focused it all into a single point, where it collapsed in on itself, creating a miniature energy black hole. It was an accident, I wanted to create a shard of pure rot and decay, but failed. I have since canceled it out by bringing it into close proximity with a white hole.

It felt weird being mostly light and fluffy and soft and pure, like I was not myself. I felt like I lost myself, the opposite of what happens when I am seized by the black and my personality is taken over. I will need to study this further.

June 30, 2009
-spilled